At Least He's Healthy

Picture from Dr. Momma

As I enter my second trimester of my second pregnancy, my mind is heavy with thoughts. I'm sure this is normal for a lot of women. Time to consider the implications of adding another to the nest. I really wonder though, is it normal to have so much guilt weighing so heavily?

My first birth experience was traumatic. I know there are women who have gone through worse, MUCH worse. But there are women who have gone through less and still feel wronged. It isn't the degree of unnecessary interventions, or the number of strangers who used your nether-regions as a learning tool, or even if or where a scalpel was used... It's about how the mother was effected by a natural event turned medical emergency.

I have been seriously concerned that I might end up loving my second child more. I know a lot of mothers worry they won't love their second as much. My fear is that I will feel more bonded to my second simply because the birth experience will allow for more immediate bonding. (At least, the birth experience as planned...)

These are fairly subconscious fears. I don't really know how to explain it, really. They aren't fears that I sit around thinking up.. more like little mosquitoes buzzing around my mind making me think, "What if?"

Realistically, I know it's not true. I bonded with my son quite nicely. I love him more than I ever thought I could love anything or anyone. Maybe it's more the fear of attaching more positivity to the birth experience with the second.

I don't 'complain' about my first birth experience. I do talk about it. It was traumatizing. I felt
wronged and was left empty. My son was taken from me before I could really learn his face and tell him I loved him. I blame the hospital for his stint in the NICU. But I made damn sure I was there for my son as much as I could possibly be (barring eating and sleeping in my birthing suite).

I hate that I have long-qualified my story about how traumatizing my birth was by saying, "But my son is healthy." Although super important, and in actual emergencies, this is the best possible news, this should not be the justification for a completely natural event gone wrong.

For several months, when I would tell my story, I would include the "but he's healthy" part because I felt like someone would say it to me in response anyway. I did it for the sake of others. I eventually started doing it for the sake of my son.

I witnessed my friend's homebirth last December. I was so amazed... I drove home on a high that I'd never known before. After I talked the fella's ear off about it, I saw my son sitting there and my heart broke. I held him and cried. I apologized to him over and over. I wasn't the only one wronged, he was too. But it was my job to protect him. I will never stop feeling that guilt.

But, my son's birth does not define him.

We overcame the separation and bonded over the weeks following his birth. We are as close as any mama-baby team that had the opportunity to bond the way nature intended.

I don't connect my son with his birth. When I tell my story, I now note that my son is healthy for a completely different reason. He is now a happy, healthy, thriving little man in spite of his birth. I never want my son to connect the negativity I associate with my birth experience to himself. It was not his fault, nor is it his responsibility to make up for what I lost. He must remain separate from the event. I won't deny that the trauma happened to both of us, but I will bear the grief for the rest of my life, not him. I'm sure he'll one day come to understand and know what I experienced bringing him into the world, but he is truly the light at the end of that tunnel, not the tunnel itself.

We are planning on sharing our next birth with our son. We both feel it is important for him to experience a natural, peaceful birth. Although I'm sure he has no memory of his own birth, and may retain no memory of his sibling's birth, I'm hoping, on a subconscious level, he'll retain a feeling of positivity towards birth in general. Our next birth experience is promising to be a healing experience for all three of us and I think will ultimately bond us all closer as a family in a way our first birth experience could not.

What's Best

I HATE the phrase "You do what's best for your family".

I really do. And not because I don't believe that that's what people do, but because I so often hear it used as a cop out.

I believe in doing things that better our family, definitely. I bust my butt to keep my home clean and safe, because that's good for us as a family. Trips to the zoo, the park, the orchard in the fall... these are all wonderful things for our family. A roof over our head, bills paid and food on the table? All very important things for the good of our family.

It's the folks who say they circumcised their son because it was what was best for their family.

WHAT?

I can't wrap my brain around this one. You cut off part of your son's body for the betterment of your entire family?

It's the folks who formula feed or wean early because "it's what's best for their family".

Really?

Alright. I'm not going to go down a list of all the things I see as silly to be using this phrase. I'm sure we can all list one or two where this phrase was used and it just didn't make sense.

I just need to say this:

I do NOT do what is best for my family. I do what is best for my child. Once I have evaluated what is the best course of action for my child, I factor in the family as a whole, if the family as a whole is applicable in the given situation.

Sure, not as catchy, but much, much more appropriate.

Does my son ALWAYS come first?

Believe it or not, for us, yes. He does. His happiness and health far outweigh anything else in our household. If we want a night out, we must first make sure his needs are met. Is he in a good mood and happy to go spend time with his grandma? Is his grandma available to babysit? Yes? Good, then we can have a night out.

Don't I want to display all my fun little knick knacks I've been collecting over the years? Of course, but I would rather not at the cost of keeping my son penned in one room or another. So, all my stuff goes up or in a box and he gets free range. It's what's best for him, after all.

As I am writing this, I'm racking my brain for an instance when I wouldn't take my son into consideration first before our family as a whole.. and I just can't think of one. That's the price you pay to be a parent. And one I pay gladly and without a second thought.

My friend added, "Yeah, I'll bet Andrea Yates thought she was doing what was best for her family..."

Expecting: Mother's Day

Today is my second Mother's Day. I am blessed to have a happy, healthy, and totally hilarious child and another little bun cookin' away in the oven. Today is a day of not changing diapers, demanding breakfast in bed (this pregnant mama got leftover pizza and breadsticks... Oh the fella is such a romantic), and still functioning as a mama (who else is going to do the dishes and make the deviled eggs for the family get together?).

My fella's step cousin reported on Facebook this morning that one of her triplets said "Happy Mudder's Day" and "I wuv you" to her first thing this morning. My son doesn't realize that today is any different from any other day (he's a good year and a half younger than his cousin... or... step second cousin?), he didn't know that it would have been really nice of him to not wake me up seven times last night, or that maybe, just this one day, I wouldn't appreciate peanut butter smeared down my white skirt.

But none of that matters. Just being the rad little kid he is is thanks enough today. Maybe next year he'll pick some dandelions for me.

My pregnancy is moving along quite fast. I can't believe we're on the cusp on the second trimester already. This go-around has been a lot different from my last and I anticipate that as a continuing theme for the next several months.

By this point in my last pregnancy, I had had two ultrasounds (one to check dates-and I *really* had no idea what they were) and one to check nuchal translucency, which came with a blood test. In addition to that blood test, I had had my blood drawn to confirm pregnancy. I had seen my OB two or three times, the second time she introduced herself again and had forgotten we had already met (apparently a scheduling department error). I had met with a nurse to discuss "OB Education" during which time she told me everything I could and couldn't do while pregnant and asked me a bunch of questions about my health and any past procedures (take note, this is when my LEEP procedure from several years earlier was reported to the hospital... It will come up later.)

By this point with this pregnancy, I have had one prenatal appointment (by my choosing) which was a lot of fun. My midwife and her student each brought one of their kids to play with Flynn. Noise levels definitely reached level 10 a few times, but, it was fun to have the kids there. We listened for baby's heartbeat, but were only able to flash across it a couple times. I wasn't worried. I had tried a few times with my own doppler and did the same thing. My midwife suggested that the placenta was probably just blocking the baby. She also thought that I might have found the cord pulse once (I explained that I found a pulse faster than my own but slower than a baby's should be). Our next appointment will be after we move and five weeks after my first. I'll be 16wks6 by then and we anticipate no problems finding those tiny heart sounds.

Although I'm quite tempted to run off and get an ultrasound (gosh I LOVE seeing that tiny bean moving around in there!), I'm resisting for the time being. My midwife DID have a tiny rubber baby she said was about the size mine was. That actually satiated my desire for an ultrasound for the time being. I couldn't believe how big it was already! I sometimes feel like I feel that baby bumping into the front of my womb, and after seeing the size of the little rubber baby, I kind of believe that I might be. Can't wait for those big kicks in a few months though!

Prenatal care aside, the biggest difference with this pregnancy is that I am *really* enjoying it! The nausea has worn off, although I do get occasional headaches, and more and more frequent heartburn... not to mention the exhaustion at near-narcoleptic proportions. But I feel so much more confident this time. I have more faith in myself as a mother. I am eating better this time and exercising. I know I'm taking better care of myself than I did last time. We are moving into a new place in a few weeks. It has a lot of promise to be a good family home for a few years and I find it exciting to be finally settling in somewhere that really seems to fit us. It is close to a huge park, situated in a nice neighborhood and get this, it has a dishwasher and a LAUNDRY CHUTE! And a big... no HUGE backyard, nice neighbors (it's a duplex) and a basement we plan to convert to livable space.

I'm looking forward to a summer of gestating in a kiddie pool with my son.

That is, if summer ever decides to grace Wisconsin with it's presence!

Enjoy your Mother's Day! I plan to enjoy mine.