Expecting: Coming Clean

My grandmother has long been my greatest critic of our parenting choices and style. She would get extremely upset at the sight of me wearing Shrimpie in a Moby and would get very frustrated when I refused to let him CIO. She once chased me into a deserted room to nurse my son when workmen came over... At first I thought she thought *I* would be uncomfortable, but when she kept insisting, I realized it was she who was uncomfortable with me nursing him openly.

But I love my grandma.. do not mistake me on this. I spent summers with her and my grandpa (RIP) as a child and I am very, very close to her. It added an enormous amount of weight to my already drooping-with-PPD shoulders that she was so highly disapproving of me as a mother. She began to compliment us, however, after Shrimpie demonstrated how much he *wasn't* a clingy, needy, mama's boy by the time he was 10 months old. She was very impressed (as was the entire family) at his behavior over Christmas of 2010, and now continues to marvel at how just maybe, I might be doing something right.

Over a year ago, all the women of my family had gathered around the dining room table after dinner. We were discussing birth and such and I mentioned how I would like to use a birth center for my next birth (we had barely touched on home birth at this point). I said one of the biggest reasons I liked the idea was because I could leave only a few hours after giving birth. Everyone was aghast at this information. My grandma told me about how she had loved all four of her twilight sleep births and that she was in the hospital for nearly two weeks after each one. I shuddered.

Fast forward to the present. We had not told anyone in my family, aside from a cousin and my sister, that we are planning a home birth. Due to the opposition over my thoughts on a birth center birth, I was nervous to broach the issue with any of them. I really considered not telling anyone and just calling them all after the baby was born. But, I am very close with my family and really hated the idea of this.. Still, I had no idea how to approach the topic.

Let me be very clear when I say that it has little to do with them not liking our decision and/or trying to change my mind, but rather because I really don't feel like I should need to defend my decision to have a home birth.

So, needless to say, I wasn't exactly prepared for my conversation with my grandma tonight. She and I were chatting and she asked how my pregnancy was going. I let her know that I was feeling pretty awesome other than peeing three times a night and some ankle and foot swelling. She warned me to be careful about the swelling. I told her that I take steps to reduce the swelling and that I swelled terribly with my first so it was nothing new. I assured her that I had a midwife appointment next week and she would check to make sure my protein was in check.

To which my grandma says, "Your midwife? So... you don't have a doctor?"

I explained that a midwife was all that I felt I needed for a normal, low risk pregnancy.

She then asked if midwives delivered in hospitals. I said, "Some do."

She said, "Are you planning on not having this baby in a hospital? Are you thinking of giving birth at home?"

Now, I do not lie to my grandma. I don't really like to lie to anyone. I hadn't yet been asked this directly because everyone just assumed I would deliver in a hospital so I had not been put in a position to lie. I took a breath and said, "Yes. We're planning on having this baby at home."

I really expected my grandma to bring some opposition.. to be shocked and/or appalled. But rather, she looked introspective for a moment then said, "Aren't you concerned after what happened with Shrimpie?"

I explained that I felt he ended up in the NICU because of hospital interventions. I got to explain how the placenta works and that I was upset they had cut the cord early. My grandma was fascinated when I expected her to be repulsed. I then started throwing out some quick facts about the culture of birth in several other countries, and how women are encouraged to birth at home and have to pay out of pocket for an OB if they are not considered high risk.

She really processed all of this. I was really happy. I was not defending anything, just informing and educating and she was really absorbing it all.

She did inevitably ask "what if" in the event of an emergency. I reminded her that we live one mile from a good hospital and we could be there or an ambulance at our door within minutes. I also let her know that 90% of hospital transfers are non-emergency. (The fella likes this statistic as well).

I asked her not to tell anyone else just yet and she promised she wouldn't.

I called the fella and let him know I told my grandma. He laughed, "How did THAT go?" I told him how she reacted and he was surprised also. I told him how glad I was to have all of that knowledge to back up my decision, so people couldn't assume it was a decision we made blindly.

Phew. Now.. to tell my mom... Because, man, she does NOT like being the second person (or, god forbid, the last person) to find something out.

Oh, bonus: My grandma has two packages of Chux pads from when my grandpa was in hospice care that she is going to give us. I was momentarily bothered by the thought of something that had been meant for my grandfather's time of dying, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was really bringing something (albeit, medical supplies) full circle.. from a death to a birth.

The Crunchy What?

My Facebook fan page has started gaining a lot of followers. It has been overwhelming for me to read so many gracious comments and to attract so many people interested in what little ol' me has to say. I really wanted to take a minute to talk about what The Crunchy Convert means to me.

When I first started my blog, I did so with little more in mind than to share my birth story. I wanted to reach out to others with similar experiences. I wanted to process what had happened to myself and my son, and for that matter, to my partner. And I wanted it to be public. I didn't want to hide with my story. My story is, compared to so many other traumatic birth stories, "not so bad", but for me, it was terrible and has scarred me in a way I didn't think birth could.

But my blog became more than just my birth story. Soon it became a public forum for me to talk about all the things I was feeling strongly about. Most notably, routine infant circumcision. I attracted a lot of followers with my second post on circumcision, how we came about to leaving our son whole.

I started a Facebook page in order to share my blog, essentially. I felt like there were things I was saying on my blog that I didn't necessarily want everyone on my personal Facebook account to see. So, I created a separate page to share my thoughts and blogs and coaxed friends over to that account. I rarely share my blog on my personal page any longer.

I want to talk about two main things. First, why *I* am a "crunchy convert".

When I was pregnant with my son, I knew almost no one with children. And those I did know, were fairly mainstream parents. I didn't really register that there was other ways to raise a child. Babies sleep in cribs. Babies play in play pens. Babies sit in Jumparoos. Babies drink out of bottles. You catch my drift...

Then I actually HAD my son. Oh my... I very quickly realized I was NOT a mainstream parent. I had heard of this "crunchy" thing on Baby Center. I had heard whispers of it in my community. There were definitely "crunchy" ladies at my first LLL meeting a few weeks after my son was born... But then I went to a babywearing meeting and met my now good friend. I talked to her husband about my hospital birth and he said a phrase I hadn't heard before "medicalized birth". I whispered to my friend about how we were co-sleeping (because surely, co-sleeping is not normal) and she directed me to the site for Peaceful Parenting to find a tutorial on how to set up a crib as a co-sleeper.

I read the tutorial. Then I started clicking around the website. And within a few articles, I found myself eye-ball deep in crunchy mamahood. I had found my place. I belonged with this babywearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, cloth diapering, etc etc.. people.

My son was and continues to be a learning experience. I have allowed him to take the lead. I meet his needs as they arise. I can't imagine parenting any other way.

So I started my blog and a short time later, I started The Crunchy Convert on Facebook. The title of my Facebook page was originally just a description of me. I am a convert to the crunchier side of parenting. I had no real direction. Just.. link up my blog posts. But then I started collecting a following of people, many of whom were converts themselves. I found my niche in the ever-expanding realm of Facebook fan pages.

I posted recently on TCC that I do not post gruesome pictures of circumcisions and the side effects of circumcision. I also don't post gruesome pictures of vaccine reactions or any other host of things that could go wrong in various situations.

Not because I don't want to. Honestly. The pictures of circumcisions.. The pictures of what can happen when a cauterizing instrument goes too far, or when infection sets in on a newborn baby's genitals. I WANT to shove these pictures in the faces of people who say it's 'just a snip' or 'babies sleep through it'. But I don't for two reasons. One being, that I don't feel it's very effective activism to do so. Words are my greatest weapon, at least as far as I'm concerned. But hey, different strokes for different folks.

The other reason being, many of the folks on TCC are converts themselves. Many of them chose to have their sons cut before knowing the truth. Many of them suffer immense guilt over that decision. Me posting a picture of a baby screaming and strapped to a Circumstraint doesn't help them make a better choice after the fact.

I feel the ultimate goal of TCC is to be a welcoming place for people who are working on their own 'conversions'. I want it to be a place to gather information, to stumble across facts and figures unknown to mainstream parenting sites and pages. I want it to be a comfortable experience.

I also want to continue sharing my own experiences as I continue my conversion. Currently, I'm making my way through my second pregnancy. Pregnancy isn't new to me, but the way we are doing it this time is a complete 180 from our first. I feel that myself as well as my blog and TCC will be coming full circle in a few months when I deliver my second child and hopefully have the opportunity to heal from my traumatic birth experience with my first. And I hope to share that healing and joy with my fans and followers.

I've been writing in this blog since May of 2010 and I started TCC not long after. As I approach 500 fans on TCC, I'm amazed at how far this has all come. And I can't believe I've finally grasped the ultimate purpose and goal of TCC and One Yawn.

I can't thank people enough for caring about what I have to say as well as for being so supportive along the way. I'm not sure if anyone depends on me for specific information, but I sure as heck depend on my fans for support, advice and information.

Old People Learn too

I learned something today. It was simple and I would have missed it if I wouldn't have stopped to observe my toddler at play. I have not just a mountain, but an entire mountain range of clean clothes taking over my bedroom at the moment. It's no secret how much I hate folding and putting away laundry (although, I really enjoy hanging my clothes to dry outside). I was kicking through the piles, searching for my capri pants, cursing the possible hours of folding time I needed to conquer the ever-growing mess, when I heard my son exclaiming, "Weeeeee!" in the cutest high-pitch toddler voice you've ever heard.

I stopped and watched him for a few minutes. He was sliding on his belly, head first, off of the pile of clothes I had stacked on the bed onto the pile of clothes I was kicking around on the floor. (To be fair, not just clothes, but a queen size quilt, several sheets and pillow cases and a mound of towels are included in this pile). He would then stand up, giggling and race around the chain of empty laundry baskets, climb back up on the bed and start again. Each time he started his slalom, he would squeal, "Weeeeeee!".

What did I learn in all of this? While I was cursing what I saw as a chore, a drudgery plaguing me every time I walked into that room, my son only saw an opportunity for play. He didn't see a chore. He saw stacks of soft stuff, a veritable playground in his own bedroom. This morning, I learned a little bit about seeing the world through the rose colored glasses of a toddler. Heck, if I was a little bit smaller and a whole lot less pregnant, I probably would have jumped in right behind him on his dry slip and slide.

I'm going to devote today to enjoying the small things through the eyes of my son. And I hope it's a lesson I never lose sight of.

Child Protection

I am not about to rail against CPS. Goodness knows that is probably equivalent to railing against the IRS and getting yourself audited. What I am about to rail against, is a culture that cannot seem to get it's priorities straight in terms of what truly deems worthy of intervention, protection and prevention.

Without going too into detail, a close friend of mine was recently visited and put under investigation by CPS after receiving a report that her daughter had not seen a doctor for an abscess. My friend has been diligently caring for her, with a natural, gentle, holistic approach, and has seen a great improvement over the last several weeks. While I think most of us can agree that antibiotics are life saving and a wonderful resource to have, not every infection is truly antibiotic-worthy. She is suddenly under scrutiny and has been given a forced deadline to comply and give her daughter a strong antibiotic at a very high dosage if she cannot find a doctor within a little more than 24 hours of the start of the investigation who will okay her preferred treatment plan.

I am positive this is a proper course of action in some cases. But certainly not hers. And the very idea that the government can come into our houses and force how approach our children's ailments medically, regardless of whether or not we are already handling them in an effective, non-medical fashion, is quite angering.

A healing injury being handled holistically is not okay. Got it.

Leaving a days-old infant to cry until he vomits, then left to cry some more. Totally fine.

I have a friend who's pediatrician threatened to report her to CPS if she didn't feed her son formula because he was not gaining according to the growth charts. Totally appropriate, huh?

Spanking, slapping, hitting, paddling, belting, switching... All okay, as long as they don't break the skin.

A mom is threatened with CPS involvement if she does not agree to a Cesarean section for her 'too-big baby' after several previous 'large baby' vaginal deliveries. Thankfully she chose another hospital... Meanwhile, another mother has her baby taken away from her in the emergency room for an illness unrelated to her home birth, because she went against doctor's orders and HAD a home birth. I wonder, thinking of this now, is Ruthy even back home yet?

But strapping a non-consenting *male* baby down to a board, and forcibly ripping, crushing, cutting and removing a large portion of completely healthy flesh... TOTALLY, 100% legal. It's not even illegal in many places to do this to your own child, at home! But tattoo your child, and you'll end up in jail.

I can't understand this mentality. I can't understand a country that laments the loss of TOYS in kid's meals in one city more than the idea of protecting it's city's children from needless alteration to their genitals.

Do not misunderstand me. I truly believe there is a time and place for CPS, and thank goodness they exist for those children who truly need them. But the system is broken. Too many children are being taken out of loving families and tossed into foster care because of how their parents choose to live. Living a natural, holistic lifestyle is just crazy, but feeding your child over the counter medications at the drop of a hat, giving them no more nutrition that what a Happy Meal offers, THAT, dear citizens, is a parental choice.

I can't fully blame CPS or the government or "the System" or "the Man" or whoever or whatever. It's a cultural thing. It's a whole country's mentality. An industrialized world's mentality. If it's newer, it must be better. If the government allows it to be sold to us, it MUST be safe. If a doctor says it, it must be so!

I'm angry. I'm angry at antibiotics being fused into the plastic trucks attached to the carts and the grocery store, and into toys, tooth brushes and children's clothing. I'm angry at the dozens of undisclosed pesticides, antibiotics and preservatives in my food. I'm angry that whole, nutritious, organic food is ungodly expensive to feed my family on a budget. I'm angry at the lectures I got at every well-baby visit to vaccinate. And although my doctor isn't guilty of it, I'm angry at the lectures others get to feed pureed foods, rice cereal and formula. I'm angry at the neonatologist for lecturing us for a half an hour about how we will kill our son if we co-sleep and at her urgings that a circumcision only take a minute and we could be on our way (which, of course, we emphatically refused). I am angry at the strict laws and illegalities of how and where a woman can choose to birth.

We live in a culture where if you put your six year old on a diet (hell, a culture where 6 year olds believe they are fat!), put make up on them, have their teeth capped and hair high lighted, you get to go on a much-loved and watched TV show. It's a culture where children are carted around in gas-guzzling SUVs from extra-curricular to extra-curricular, eating fast food daily and doing their homework on their laps. Where children are expected to preform to arbitrary standards. A culture where leaving a baby in a car seat in front of a television with a bottle propped on a pillow (heck, there are products designed and sold for this purpose) is totally acceptable.

But keeping your children home to learn on their own, to grow into their own person from their own doings and discoveries, to eat nutritious, home cooked meals, to be breastfed until they are ready to stop, to be have their illnesses treated, whenever appropriate, in a holistic manner, to be treated respectfully and kindly... THIS, this is weird and generally unaccepted by mainstream society, the "powers that be" included.

I wonder if our priorities will ever shift... and what it will take to achieve that change.