Circumcision Guilt

I have had many mothers reach out to me to express their regret and guilt over consenting to have their son/s circumcised before they found out the truth behind the procedure. My son is intact due to little more than a strong nagging in my gut telling me it was not my choice to make for him. I am never quite sure how to respond to people other than to express my sympathy and suggest that they be honest with their sons as they grow older, and of course to throw in the "when you know better, you do better" quote, because we all make the best decisions we can with the information at hand.

I asked some fellow intactivists for a place to give these parents to turn to for better support and empathy than I can rightfully offer.

The following was written by the mother of a young boy, who's botched circumcision story can be read here on Peaceful Parenting. I recommend that you read his story first to fully understand from where Brooke is coming.

Guilt is something most feel because they cheat on a test or say something means that hurts someone else; it’s not really a word that’s normally associated with circumcision. But it should be.

I feel this horrific guilt everyday because of circumcision, because of a choice I made for my son out of pressure and weakness that I now know hurt him more than anything in his tiny life. As a mother I’m made to protect my child, to keep them safe and happy. And I did the exact opposite of that and because of my huge mistake I carry this overtaking guilt that only a mother that’s done the same could possibly understand. At first I was just upset about the complications that happened to my son because of his circumcision after he was “ok” and I could really sit back and breathe, I realized I caused this, and that’s when the guilt over took me and pulled me into a world of hurt.

I’d stay up and watch my baby sleep, how peaceful and perfect. And I’d cry. Every night I’d cry. I didn’t say much to family and friends for a long time. Nobody could ever understand how I felt; they didn’t do it I did. So I kept it all inside. I noticed I felt like I owed him a lot, I gave him more hugs more kisses and more toys... at that point that’s all I could do to make it up to him. Then I felt the need to fight, I had this urge to get revenge so I did. I sued. And as that long process went on and on it made me feel better the guilt wasn’t overtaking like it had been, I felt like I was doing something. Like I was fixing it. But after the 3 years of battling his butcherer it ended and I was done “fighting”. And then the fear of the unknown future for my son made the guilt even worse than before. I have no control over what happens to him in his future, I have no idea if he will have problems, or more surgeries. He may hate me or blame me and that’s something I just can’t handle. So once again I was back where I started, but this time was different there was nothing else I could do to make it up to him, and that scared me.

After years of holding it all in one night my husband came home from work around four in the morning to find me doing my nightly cry lying beside our sleeping son. He wanted to know why I was crying, what was wrong… All I could do was tell him I hurt our son. I told him he could never understand, that he didn’t see our baby like I did, that it hurt. He tried to tell me he was fine and everything in the future would be to and for some reason this pissed me off and out came the truth. I told him I blamed him, my father and his. That they were the reason I did this. That it was their fault that I and our son had to live with forever. It hurt him. I could tell, but I didn’t care it was something I hadn’t even realized myself, it came out like word vomit with such power it was clear I’d been holding it in for years. That night he slept on the couch and we’ve never talked about it again. But something happened that night it finally hit me that it wasn’t my fault, I hadn’t done it. I was pressured and told so many lies from so many people, even that if I didn’t “he’d cuss me for the rest of his life”. Some of the guilt was gone after I realized that.

I still feel guilty; I still have my days and my moments where I break down. But instead of lying beside my baby at night and crying I snuggle with him. I think I’ll always carry this feeling of hurt and guilt with me, nothing anyone says or does will change that but instead of thinking of all the wrong things I’ve done for my son I think of all the great things I’ve done that hopefully he will be proud of one day, that’s why I’m a intactivist now. One day I’m going to be able to tell him “we saved so many baby boys”. Just remember you know better you do better? It wasn’t your fault and as long as you love your baby and make his childhood happy, those will be the memories he will have when he thinks back.

Plus Sized. Not Disabled.

I am getting very weary of coming across questions from plus-size moms regarding qualms over being able to have a normal, healthy pregnancy. The media and modern medical establishment isn't making it any easier on them.

OB GYN practices in Florida are turning away obese women (anyone over 200 pounds). Some midwifery practices refuse to accept expecting moms over a given weight. Many providers recommend gaining only 10-15 pounds during a plus size pregnancy (Wouldn't you have to LOSE weight in order to do that? And this chart says the baby will be 7-8 pounds. My first was 9 at birth.). And we are constantly told we are at a higher risk of things like GD and pre-eclampsia.

Here's the deal. I'm overweight/obese/chubby/fat, whatever you want to call me. I carried a healthy baby boy to term through an extremely healthy pregnancy, during which my biggest complaints were heartburn, constipation and back pain. All three of which were likely exacerbated by my weight, but none of which are exceptional for pregnancy. (I do not feel it's going too far to say that the worst complications I experienced as a result of my first pregnancy were those caused by a myriad of interventions during my son's hospital birth.) I am now 27 weeks pregnant with my second baby, in my second (so far) healthy pregnancy. I can't even complain much past some ankle swelling and occasional heartburn.

I would argue, in fact, that despite my weight, I'm a lot healthier than a lot of other pregnant women clocking in their pre-pregnancy weights at 125.

I don't eat fast food (okay.. *sometimes* I eat fast food... but it is seriously rare). I don't eat processed foods (okay... *very* rarely, I eat processed foods...). I don't ingest artificial colors, flavors, sweeteners, preservatives, soy, etc. No seriously. I don't.

So when I see my fellow pregnants feasting on Micky-D's and the like on a regular basis, I can't help but wonder... Who is actually healthier?

But it's not just this. It's the fear. It's first time moms being told they are too fat to have a normal pregnancy, labor or delivery. It is all fear mongering.

Being overweight does not mean you need a cesarean section. (In fact, being overweight can contribute to complications of a c-section). It doesn't mean your baby won't some how be able to fit through your vagina. Or that you will have to be induced because you are too fat to possibly create the right sized baby for your body. It doesn't mean you should be extra scared about having GD (heck, my blood sugar was more than normal in my last pregnancy and type II diabetes runs in my family. I will not be testing for it in this pregnancy.)

Here are a few suggestions for my fellow plus size pregnants:

1. Set up regular visits with a chiropractor. This is good practice for any pregnant woman, but regular chiropractic adjustments during pregnancy can help with a host of pregnancy complaints. I can see SUCH a vast difference between my last and current pregnancies. I sleep better, my indigestion is lessened, my constipation is fleeting. But that's not all! Chiropractic also helps with labor! Yes indeed. Women who receive adjustments during pregnancy report shorter, easier labors and fewer stuck babies.

2. If your chosen care provider suggests that you only gain X amount of weight during your pregnancy, find a new care provider. Now, if your care provider suggests a healthy diet, low in sugar and high in protein, calcium and produce, they've probably got a good grasp on healthy pregnancy.

3. Exercise. Don't just sit on your tucas for your whole pregnancy. I mean, by all means, take a break when you need it. Enjoy the evenings in front of a good movie, book and/or knitting, but make sure you are balancing relaxed time with moderate exercise time. Take a walk (or stroll, or mosey...). Mow the lawn. Play with your kids at the park. Take a prenatal yoga class or rent a prenatal yoga video (most libraries have them as does Netflix) and do what you can. The gentle stretching is fantastic for back and hip pain as well as leg cramps. My favorite, by far, is swimming. I love feeling weightless, especially in the later months of pregnancy. I go about once a week and just do a few gentle laps, tread water and float around for about an hour.

4. Eat well. Eat right. I will never be the person to tell you not to indulge. I certainly do from time to time. And, having my partner out of state for much of this pregnancy and chasing around a one year old has brought me to my knees with hunger some days, so out of desperation, we have had to eat fast food or pizza delivery from time to time. BUT, the majority of my diet is whole foods. Lots of fruits, veggies, whole and sprouted grains, beans and legumes... and the occasional meat.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I sure act like one when I'm pregnant. It's just my aversion. In fact, I have a heck of a lot more aversions than cravings in pregnancy. With my first, it was leafy greens. With this one, it's mostly just meat. No one ever told me about aversions... but I suppose the old cliche of pickles and ice cream, or hubby running out at 3am for double chocolate chunk ice cream is a lot funnier than a pregnant lady standing in an open refrigerator five times a day with a pukey look on her face.

Give in to Ben and Jerry's every now and then, but make sure the bulk of your diet is good for you and baby. Check out Full Belly Sisters for a whole host of crazy-awesome good-for-you foods that taste good too!

5. Squat. Another good thing to do, especially if you are planning a natural birth, is practice squatting. Many of us Western women are not accustomed to squatting like our tribal sisters are (we have chairs, you know?). I started at the start of this pregnancy and even without a belly, was constantly in danger of tipping forward. Now, seven months pregnant, I can get into and out of a squat fairly easily (repeatedly is not so easy...) and I can stay balanced quite nicely. Squat in the shower and pee. Seriously. Stop and start your flow several times. This is more effective than Kegels. Check out this article for more info. Squatting will also help baby move down and out during labor. It opens the pelvis more effectively than most other positions (hands and knees is great too, especially for 'stuck' babies), our ancestors have been delivering in a squat position forEVER. (There is a great article somewhere with pictures of various cultExures throughout history and their preferred birthing position: squatting, shown through pictures, painting and statuettes. I'll post a link when I find it.)

6. Number six is most important. Trust birth. Trust yourself and your body to know what to do. Trust your partner and trust your care provider if you have chosen one (and I hope you have chosen one you truly feel you can trust). Especially if you are planning a hospital birth, hire a doula. It's their job to help you trust birth.

Expecting: The Home Streeeeetch

Yesterday marked a pretty big day for me. I hit 27 weeks and graduated to the third trimester. We also found out the gender of our baby.

It was a difficult decision. I had not wanted to have any ultrasounds with this pregnancy originally, but the fella really wanted to have one just "to make sure everything is okay". So we had one done at 16w6d and everything looked just fine. The last few weeks, however, I started to get really itchy to know this baby's gender. Of course, when I expressed my desire to the fella, he emphatically suggested that I go find out then. (He was never a big supporter of waiting until the birth). He was more than happy to plunk down the $70 to have an elective ultrasound done. He is in Alaska for a couple more months so we had him on speaker phone as the tech centered the transducer over the neatly folded fetus.

"It's a boy?" I asked, mistaking a shadow for a very large penis.

The tech pointed at some white smudges and said, "Those are labial folds. It's a girl."

I felt an overwhelmingly happy reaction that I had not been expecting.

"It's a GIRL!?" I shouted. I seriously shouted.

Shane was speechless.

We watched the shadows dance around some more. Baby girl was a reluctant participant in our uterine eavesdrop. The tech tried her darnedest to get a good face shot, but just like with our first scan, baby girl kept putting her hands by her face and in her mouth.

I walked out on cloud nine. My little girl. Don't get me wrong.. I would have been overjoyed with another boy, but it's a nice thought to have a girl and a boy and a few years before we go for number three.

The fella texted me as I was paying: I'm so happy with our little family 8) Have fun shopping 8(

I shared it with my mom, sister and cousin who had all come along for the show (did I mention they literally jumped and cheered at the "It's a girl" announcement? Such nerds...). We all had a good chuckle.

Anyway. This post is not all about my ultrasound (which, as it stands, I don't regret finding out :)
I am amazed at how fast this pregnancy is going. I am even more amazed at how good I feel compared to my pregnancy with my son. I guess maybe the huge differences in the pregnancies was one reason I was leaning toward 'girl' anyway.

I feel like, there are still several months before this baby is born. But, she could be here anytime in the next 10-14 weeks (give or take) and that is such a crazy thought... especially considering how many things I have left to do. It has come down to knitting and sewing, definitely some shopping, and some home birth supplies. My hospital transfer plan is in it's final stages and my freezer is slowly filling with meals for after the birth. We really need to think of a name for this little girl too.. We do have a shortening list but I'm just not in love with anything yet...

I keep waiting for time to grind to a halt. I imagine that will happen around 34 weeks. But if these next few months go as fast as my first two trimesters did (seriously.. the first trimester is but a blur at this point), I'll be holding my daughter (wow.. daughter...) before I can blink.

I am feeling a growing confidence and excitement for the impending birth. Many of my fears of earlier in the pregnancy are starting to dissipate. My breasts are larger now than they were when I was nursing Shrimpie. We are questioning whether taking Claritin my entire pregnancy and start of our breastfeeding relationship may have impacted my breasts... I plan to take goats rue starting at 35 weeks to address concerns of possible IGT. I will have lactation cookies on hand. And I am hopeful that Shrimpie will latch again... even if only a few times. I'm sure that will help with bringing in a good supply and give the new siblings a chance to bond eye to eye. (Hey, tandem nursers, aren't you jealous? I may just get to tandem nurse without having to nurse through a pregnancy! ;)

My biggest fear is a hospital transfer. I do not fear the pain. I don't fear the length of my labor or the presentation of my baby (although, I'm hopeful that Shrimpie's occiput posterior presentation is NOT something he hands down to his little sister... aww... little sister...).

I do feel that my hospital transfer plan leave plenty of room for empowerment on my part. I have an excellent advocate in my partner. And I trust my midwife is trusting of birth and will only suggest a transfer if absolutely necessary.

You know what else I fear? That first post-birth poop. Really. That was hell the first time.

Buy a Lottery Ticket

If your son, at any point in his life, develops a real medical need to be circumcised, he should probably buy a lottery ticket.

The fact is, there is almost never a medical need requiring removal of the prepuce. In the US and Canada where medical need is often cited for a reimbursement from insurance or Medicaid, the issue causing the medical need either was caused by intrusive measures taken by caregivers (typically forced retraction in any degree which can result in a phony phimosis diagnosis) or when circumcision (whether in part or whole) is not actually the best course of treatment (as is the case often with hypospadias).

In Finland, the circumcision rate is basically zero. According to Doctors Opposing Circumcision, in Finland, 1 in 16,667 males *need* a circumcision at some point in their life. This is a little less than your odds of winning $100 playing Powerball (1 in 19,030).

Pretty good odds, I'd say. And not odds worth basing a decision to circumcise a baby "just in case" for, in my opinion.

In fact, neither is a whole host of other reasons parents elect to have their son cut. Girls are 400 times more likely to suffer a urinary tract infection than boys and circumcised boys still get UTIs. Surgery is not the correction or prevention for an occasional or possible infection. Women produce more smegma than intact men. AND, smegma actually exists for a reason. It's true. *Penile cancer is more rare than **male breast cancer. Hm.


*From the National Cancer Institute: Estimated new cases and deaths from penile (and other male genital) cancer in the United States in 2010:

	New cases: 1,250
	Deaths: 310

**From Medicine Net: The American Cancer Society estimates that in 2010, about 1,970 new cases of breast cancer in men would be diagnosed (approx. 1 in 1,000 men) and that breast cancer would cause approximately 390 deaths in men. Women are 100 times more likely to develop breast cancer.